Lost & Found in the Essence of Spring
"As I began to love myself more, my relationship with everyone changed."
While waiting for Spring to claw its way out from under the oppression of this very long winter, I began the long intentioned project of cleaning my closet and drawers in order to get rid of old clothes and make space! Just space. It's been approximately a few years overdue. At the end of it, while looking at the large shopping bags of clothes that I planned to donate, I was excited to see and experience more room in my closet. When I looked back at my closet I realized that not much space had been gained. How was that possible? Obviously, waaaaaay too much stuff had been crammed in there and I had lost touch. I had no idea that I'd been hanging on to so much. So if you've ever lost, or had a part of yourself simply fall asleep for an extended period of time, you may not have been aware of it happening until that sleeping or lost piece of yourself began to wake up and reappear. It's kind of like the quiet sweetness of Spring where the subtleties slowly return and come into awareness as if the sunshine slowly and gently painted them in to being. It's intoxicating and sometimes all encompassing. It just takes over and we become lost in the details that are full of dreamy and familiar sensations. We begin to notice that the air is a little bit different, that the light is slightly warmer, longer and more comforting. Then, there's a layering of gentle sounds, the chirping of birds, the rustling of the wind blowing leaves that we've barely noticed are back! Spring is an introduction and the awakening of many things —creative and living. As I become re-acquainted with my creative self who was not gone, but working in modalities quite varied from those most natural to me, I'm recalibrating and find myself reconnected to an energy, a vibrancy in exploration, expression and the need to expand further. I'm itching to stretch more, to grow and to transform. I'm like the little seedling looking to break through the ground and stretch towards the light. And there's also a childhood-like play in that which includes wonder and adventure towards future possibility, by way of transition, releasing the previous season and moving on.
The opposite of being able to let go is attempting to control things. In those situations, I feel unsteady or even slighted in some way. It also doesn't feel good to be disappointed or inconvenienced, because being vulnerable is hard. Not getting what we want is disappointing. It makes us feel out of control. That's the problem. When we experience that sense of helplessness and powerlessness over our emotions, we need someone to blame. However, we're not responsible for each other's actions, feelings or internal experiences. Ours are the result of our own issues and baggage. When we acknowledge that and are able to honestly look at and address them, progress can be made. That ideal doesn't really make us feel any better but instead, we feel as though we're in a place of limbo. That's being vulnerable. As that space exists over an extended period of time, it can become a tough entity to ignore, and what becomes clear is that if we're not willing to move further into being vulnerable in order to move out of that murky place, nothing happens and we don't get to the other side. Sometimes, we just have to step back and get over ourselves and the scenario or story that we told ourselves of what we 'wanted', or how we think things appear to be. When we feel disappointed, our perception may not actually be happening anywhere except inside our own heads. And if that is the case, are we even being clear about what it is that we want? Have we set our boundaries and expressed our needs? Maybe not. And, just maybe because we've not, that's truly the reason we're not getting what we desire. It's irrational, but somehow, we expect for others to be able to get in there and read our minds; understand our intention; and know what we expected, or why its so important to us in the first place? After all, "if they really knew us or cared, they would just know", right? That's not realistic—AT ALL!
Regardless of what we envision, things aren't always supposed to go exactly as we imagine. There are those times when we simply cannot have what we demand. Life is always preparing us for the next thing and for whatever reason, sometimes what we want is simply not possible or in the cards for that moment or ever. And other times, no matter what —life just doesn't seem fair. Either way, beating ourselves up or others is not the answer. Looking at ourselves and understanding our own dynamics in various situations is. By doing some personal house keeping to clean and clear out the old, we create space for new life, new lessons, introspection, perspective and understanding. In that newly found space, we are better able to see and discover not only our own truth, but what may actually be true outside of that. Once experiencing our space newly organized, we can also begin to appreciate what we've decided worthy of keeping, and the heart can be full and move on to live and grow better into another season.